backpack dreams

I like Kim Gordon, she's Kool (as in "Kool Thing", get it? Hyuk hyuk!)
"Goo" is a super mega power great hyper force album!

Speaking of "Goo", it's Goofy!
I just noticed Goofy has a huge green dong burrowing into the top of his head... possibly an explanation for all of his wacky behavior?

I'm a little frustrated with where I am right now, I want to get a license and car but with insurance, the whole school thing, and eventually a car... I don't know when that can ever happen!
I should invest in a bike, or a Vespa.
I read a few Batman comics in the last couple of days. They can be a little disturbing at times, actually. But they're fun. I've been missing out all this time!

I actually haven't cursed in this blog yet!
That should be a record, I am quite foul mouthed online.
I want to post a music video of "My Friend Goo" but the music video for it doesn't really have good audio quality and it's actually pretty ghetto.
So here's "100%"!

I've run out of totally sweet pictures to put at the top of my blog now.
Foodges.

If I had to choose one word to describe my life right now it would be this:
Snlarf.

Sometimes I almost feel like Gaylord Focker, but only sometimes and only almost.
Farkironies.

This is probably quite the cryptic blog... I usually don't like it when people post blogs and I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.
Ha! I'm a hypocrite even in blog-world.

I could not sleep last night, I felt like throwing up.
Yesterday I did not feel so hot and I slept most of the day.
Felt a little out of everything and kind of anti social.
My mom wants to go to a concert on Thursday night.
I really don't want to go but I don't think I have a choice.
She said she was going to throw them away but since they were $50 we should use them.
Huh?
I do not feel like writing right now.

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I am feeling a little explosive today.
Bottled up. Angsty?

Anyway, here's my ranking of different life stages.
1. Infancy - I can barely remember any of it, so I must of been pretty wasted.
2. Childhood - Didn't give a shit about anything at all.
3. Young Adult (18+) - I have high expectations for this.
4. Preteen era - Acting really dumb but still not giving a shit. In hindsight embarrassing, during actual time kickass.
5. Middle Age - Getting old sounds something old people would do (a.k.a. lame).
6. Grandpa - Diseases. :(
7. 70 years old+ - Life will suck. Jump in front of a flying car and end it now.
8. Current Age - (see below)

Life is dicks.
Dicks is an adjective, if you have a problem with it just dick it up your dick. (It's a verb, too.)

Lately, thinking about school has made me regret more and more.
I don't try as hard as I should, in anything.
I gained a 1 on my AP Euro test.
When I first saw I was totally bummed out, but I found this way of thinking about it that helps me comfort myself a bit.
I never really expected a 1 on the AP test, I thought it was pretty much impossible. But now that I failed, it's a kick in the gonads (from God) for me to pick up the fucking pace.
I swear to God I always say I'm going to try, or get good grades, or join a sports team.
But I never follow through, and I always regret it.
So, what kind of sick joke am I playing on myself?
I don't know.
I don't even know whatever the hell I want to do, or what college I want to go to.

Hopefully things will all work out somehow. I'm not sure how, but somehow?
And I'm not just talking about college, or grades. But more like life after.

I've really fucked up my GPA this year, but enough of that.

I'm getting sick of California. Or at least Orange County anyway.


Author's note:
I've noticed that all of my posts here are extremely negative, even when read in the context of teen hormones and anxiety. I don't know why I don't write happier posts on here.

Thinking about it I think it would be fun to become some kind of musician or artist or entertainer in the future.

Telling my dad that would only get me killed.

I was talking to someone I met the other day and he was describing his high school career and how he sometimes had to force himself to work and study. He was really nice and was pretty motivating. He had a lot of good points and he gives me a little hope for the rest of Oxford.

Today my mom dropped off some of her fellow church members at this worship meeting because she was helping with the carpool. After that she was gonna drop me off at home and then come back for the worship service.
Everything was going to plan except when we left so I could get dropped off my mom got a flat tire only seconds after leaving the church.
So basically the new spare tire could only go a certain amount of miles so my mom said that I should stay at the church for the service, she also mentioned that perhaps God wanted me to stay.
I was thinking that God had a pretty sick sense of humour because the entire service was in Korean!
But as I stayed for the worship I was surprised by the small handful of Korean worshipers because they seemed so genuine and unpretentious... even though I didn't understand the songs or words I felt closer to God than I had in a while. I think I might go to next Wednesday's bible study at my church. That's not a promise though.
And even though I was somewhat enlightened by their church, I still didn't speak any Korean so I decided I would rather take the bus home than stay for the next couple of hours.

Anyway.
I'm relatively happy with my life right now.
Woo hoo.

My dad just dropped me off and it is probably the last time I will see him until December.

It's a little bittersweet but all he could talk about during our meal and In n Out was college and careers and pretty much how I fail.
All the while I just had to take it and I was trying to say goodbye to him, only at the last minute did he realize it would be a long time before I seem him again so we exchanged goodbyes blah blah.

I have no idea what I am going to do in the future at all.h
At all.
Any suggestions?

I'll just marry a rich girl and become a stay-at-home dad.

I feel a little tense and uptight right now. I want so many things but I only saved up a certain amount of money and I only have a certain amount of money and I have to set priorities.
I want to buy a new bass and start playing with a band again, even with my church praise band again, but they probably won't want me as I've been such a heathen lately.
God, when I went today some people were being the biggest asses!
Were they always like that or are they just like that to me now?
Big fat ugly asses.

Bass is something I want to stick with my whole life, but sometimes I don't really give a care to play bass but lately I just feel like I need to be in a band. I need some kind of release! I have to do SOMETHING with these hormones, after all, soon I won't even have them anymore!

BASS (and synth?)! NEW COMPUTER! SOME SHORTS! HAIRCUT!

Anyway, I screwed up and went out to eat at Chipotle on a whim and totally missed my chance to go to Cathy's beach bonanza... what the hell!
Typical me. I feel myself slowly becoming like my parents, and I see my parents slowly becoming older and weaker. It's scary.

I'm not feeling so good right now.
I feel like,,, AH!
Trapped in this apartment. I miss people!
People I like but not know well enough to call up and hang out blah blah. Right?

And I re-watched School of Rock today, which may play a part in me wanting a new bass again.
And that one bassist girl is cute too, but now she is kind of young in the movie, so I have to find her in real life.


I think I want to go bungee jumping, I was supposed to go with my dad for my last birthday, but nope.
Or sky diving.

I need some kind of killer skill.
Like in Napoleon Dynamite.
I feel average/moderately successful (or less) at everything I do.
Virtually everything!
I excel at nothing!
Something I would want to get interested in though might be video art, or performance art.
I have a couple stupid ideas floating around in my head that I need to get out.

It's also quite obvious why I chose this picture, I'll probably get better at this with time. Like learn to make sense more, and stay on topic. Well it's also more of like a stream of consciousness kind of thing, hardee har.

This drawing is by Raymond Pettibon, and the picture from the last post is by the photographer Jeff Wall.
Both artists I found out about from Sonic Youth cover art, hehe.

my phone is not working.
i dont think my mom paid the bill because my sister's isnt working and the t-mobile lady talks to me when i try to call people.

i have feelings!

i do, really. i often go through my day and just all these ideas and things and blahs come into my brain but i never write them down ever.
it happens a lot when i'm at church, but that can be for another time.
seriously, church felt like the only place where i was accepted for a long while, but i've slowly isolated myself and i feel like a fucking outcast.

anyway, lately i feel like my mom isnt being as responsible as she could/should be.
nor my dad.
my mom hasnt been home in the last few days and my dad is in korea 95% of the year.
but at the same time, when they're around they can get on my nerves.
i love waking up around 8:00 right before my mom leaves for work, then when she leaves my sister is still in bed sleeping and i just come into the living room, check my daily websites, turn on some music and just lay back and relax.

books i own but have yet to read:
the stranger - albert camus
the plague - albert camus
nausea - jean paul sartre
the wall - jean paul sartre (started it today!!!) (!!!!!!!!!!)

books i own which my dad wants me to read although i havent started:
mere christianity - c.s. lewis
some book by philip yancey

my dad bought the last two books for me in a sort of counter attack against me buying all those existentialistic and atheistic books. i can't blame him, right?
but right now, at my current church, christianity can seem so shallow and FOLLY.
holy shit i hope my dad never finds this. will he?
i'm not sure if i still believe, probably more believing than non. either way it sucks ass to be a christian now anyway, we suck.

haha i never use this thing, hopefully it will become a routine, every week or twice a week would be good.

it feels easier to be honest with the keyboard than with most people i know, almost all. even then theres still more i want to say.

so future soul mate, fucking find me already.

i dropped the f-bomb!


boosh!

i hope i can go to cathy's birthday tommorow!

this is a rant, i think i should read over this in case i didn't make sense or something.
then again, it is me so this can only make so much sense.

i'll add more later.
maybe.

10:55 p.m.
looking back, it was asshole-y of me to complain about my phone and parents and blah.

anyway, wall-e was real-e good.
makes me wish i had a girlfriend to watch it with.
or... a sex robot.
or both. simultaneously.
someone make this happen and you would be my 3rd favorite companion after my sexbot 2000 and my girlfriend.
do it.

i felt so good after finishing wall-e, because in wall-e's world all his problems were fixed.
he gets to spend the rest of his life with his cpu-mate and the earth is healed and perfect.

i wish the movie screen sucked me into it's perfect little hole of wall-e-ness.
jesus.

i read some of "the wall", a short story about a man waiting to get executed.
all of his thoughts and feelings make me feel a little hopeless but it ended on a kind of ironic deus ex machina sorta way, so i guess sartre knows what he's doing. haha understatement ftw.

reading that short story motivated me a tad to read more.
still, i'm a lazy butt.

p.s. i think i should use proper capitalization and punctuation from now on.

i will update again when more blahs come to mind.

this was fun, i'm glad i did this.
woo hoo.