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Wednesday, April 22
Yesterday was my first day not drinking in, I dunno, years. And only because I'm flat broke till my stimulus and/or unemployment comes in. Pretty sad, huh?

Oh well. I still have food (sort of), shelter (it's starting to smell), and a couple hits of weed (maybe three, or one big one).

Getting to sleep last night wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be, fell asleep around 5. By lockdown standards, it was okay. Well, actually, I don't know how to describe it. I'd forgotten how it felt to fall asleep without being in a complete stupor. It feels nice. Of course, this pleasant drift into Sleepytown was staccato'd by "suicide this" or "suicide that"-type thoughts. I don't know. It was fucked up. Now I remember why I drink, or was it the drinking that caused these thoughts? Wao, real chicken or egg question. If egg is alcohol and chicken is I'm-a-piece-of-shit-if-only-I-could-implode-and-take-the-whole-planet-with-me-but-not-for-incelesque-reasons-but-to-avoid-the-unpleasant-future-where-anyone-finds-my-pathetic-bloated body. I feel like egg came first. Damn, I wasn't always this fucked up and alcohol made it worse and yadda yadda, why am I talking about this basic shit? I actually feel good this morning. Morning. I woke up a couple hours ago, about half past noon.

And just to get it out, cause I feel it in my fingers, here are some fun ways I've fantasized about ending it:

-Slit throat into storm drain near morgue (easy cleanup, not disruptive)
-Dynamite vest into side of Grand Canyon (cool story)
-Get crushed by pressure of ocean (any ocean)
-Extended welding accident (starts incidentally but soon transitions into full-on intentionality)
-Cling onto rocket ship like that bat did (cute)

But anyway. It's fine. I remember these feelings, it's almost nice to see and feel them again this strongly during lockdown. I don't know.

I've been having weird dreams lately. It's been like this All-Star reunion of all the figures in my past that I've repressed feelings about. Like the sudden suicidal impulses: they're sometimes sad, sometimes stunning, familiar. I'd list them but I don't know. I don't want to really. It's pathetic. Bye.