Tuesday, March 30
I don't like living with my grandparents and if I ever get children I will never do what my parents did to me and my sister.
Monday, March 29
I over-analyze. I can take one small gesture and let fester into an entire philosophy, if I'm given enough time. It's unhealthy and kind of disgusting.
I wish people would analyze me, though. If I could, I'd request a full 10-page report.
An entire report on what I do, and why I do it, and what I think, and what I say. I'd want a new one everyday. A minute-by-minute commentary on my life, telling what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right, how this was taken and how that was taken.
I wish people would analyze me, though. If I could, I'd request a full 10-page report.
An entire report on what I do, and why I do it, and what I think, and what I say. I'd want a new one everyday. A minute-by-minute commentary on my life, telling what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right, how this was taken and how that was taken.
Wednesday, March 24
I feel not so good today. I don't know who to talk to about these kinds of things.
Thursday, March 18
I think riding a tandem bike would be strange, staring at someone's back or just looking forward as if you were still by yourself.
It'd be restricting, too. It'd be much better to have two separate bikes, but just decide to ride side by side.
Let's ride side by side!
To the Reader, by Denise Levertov
Wednesday, March 17To the Reader, by Denise Levertov As you read, a white bear leisurely
pees, dyeing the snow
saffron,
and as you read, many gods lie among lianas: eyes of obsidian are watching the generations of leaves, and as you read
the sea is turning its dark pages,
turning
its dark pages.
Hi, this is one of my favorite poems. It comforts me a lot.
Sometimes I feel like a filler, an in-between, a transition, an appetizer, the mediocre tasting garlic bread before the meal, or the tiny piece of ginger between courses, or the glass of tap water you receive before you get your soda.
I feel very extra-y. Like a sub-divider, or maybe like a little interlude, the guy whose memory will quickly be associated with someone before or after me.
I guess there's nothing I can do but accept my role and fix my flat tire so I can go biking.
Also I don't use grammar good sorry about. that
Also I don't use grammar good sorry about. that
Tuesday, March 16
So the people I live with have been complaining about the fact that I don't flush my urine.
Why? Why the hate? I sincerely flush to save water. I flush the brownies, straight down, straight away.
Piss can afford to hang out for a bit, I am not afraid to pee multiple times without flushing, it's kind of a game, actually, see how concentrated your urine can be.
It's sanitary! I close the lid! C'mon!
Did you know pee smells because bacteria nom nom nom the shit in there and then they produce waste, which is actually what you're really smelling? You probably already knew that, but did you know that means that I am a GOD DAMN LIFE GIVER? Do you realize entire colonies, lifelines, generations, and families are cultivated in my piss? Families, families of little tiny bacteria that love digesting my urine. Is that so wrong?
Also I did some research, I've read that the average person pees about 5-6 a day (which seems like a lot to me, but that's what I found online), each flush is no more than 1.6 gallons, and there are over 300 million people in the United States.
If everyone stopped flushing for urine, that would save over 2.4 billion gallons of water a day. 2.4 gallons of otherwise perfectly drinkable and potable water, a day. Just sayin'.
Why? Why the hate? I sincerely flush to save water. I flush the brownies, straight down, straight away.
Piss can afford to hang out for a bit, I am not afraid to pee multiple times without flushing, it's kind of a game, actually, see how concentrated your urine can be.
It's sanitary! I close the lid! C'mon!
Did you know pee smells because bacteria nom nom nom the shit in there and then they produce waste, which is actually what you're really smelling? You probably already knew that, but did you know that means that I am a GOD DAMN LIFE GIVER? Do you realize entire colonies, lifelines, generations, and families are cultivated in my piss? Families, families of little tiny bacteria that love digesting my urine. Is that so wrong?
Also I did some research, I've read that the average person pees about 5-6 a day (which seems like a lot to me, but that's what I found online), each flush is no more than 1.6 gallons, and there are over 300 million people in the United States.
If everyone stopped flushing for urine, that would save over 2.4 billion gallons of water a day. 2.4 gallons of otherwise perfectly drinkable and potable water, a day. Just sayin'.
Sunday, March 14
I accidentally fell asleep with this one album of Louis C.K.'s standup being looped so I repeatedly was woken up at this one part when he yells "LOOK AT MY PEACH."
I also helped out with the entrance exam testing again this past Saturday, and I didn't proctor this time, I just herded children onto campus instead, which I thought was more interesting (and better, generally).
First of all, I was outside, and the weather was pretty good, as much as I can remember. Just sunny morning weather. I usually enjoy clouds (when they're not in their grey, shitty state that so many people seem to love for some Godknowswhy crazy-ass reason) but I specifically remember they were just too blurry. I like those really distinctly cumulus-lookin' clouds, and these clouds were kind of like that, I guess, but a little blurrier around the edges, which kind of bothered me. It almost looked like someone just unfocused my view of the sky, which is a dumb metaphor but I think it's also pretty apt. But anyway, these clouds were big teases. I just like seeing lots of shadows and whatnot on clouds.
But, anyway, my job was to stand on Grindley ushering students towards the gym while telling their parents that they were not allowed on campus, I'm not entirely sure why they weren't allowed on campus, but I was told to do so, so I did. I was pretty bad at it, I guess, muttering and all, but most parents got the point. Some parents were really nice, others were a bit more strange/passive aggressive (I'm talking to you, Bluetooth guy). I was behind the English building watching that side gate in our fence, so it was a pretty straight shot right to the gym, so lots of parents stood outside the fence and watched their kids walk there. It was weird, the parents seemed exponentially more worried than the kids, especially when I told them they couldn't accompany them to the gym. I guess it was mostly a "My little baby girl./boy's all grown-up" kind of thing. I understood. And I couldn't help but see bits and pieces of myself in a lot of the kids that came in to test and bits and pieces of my mom and dad in a lot of their parents. And I might have just been getting bored on the job, but I think I saw lots of doppelgangers of people from our grade, too. I started wondering what kind of filter the entrance exam serves as for the types of people it accepts. I thought it was weird how recently so much emphasis and value has been put into education, which is well-deserved, I guess, but it seems like, seeing how it's so valued, some reform should occur, or at least more money, I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to convey is the feeling I got watching parents say goodbye and wishing good luck to their children as if they'd never see them ever again, it was weird, I could almost hear the string orchestra in the back. Well, yes. Okay, just felt like putting off work somehow. I'm being to despise the work I'm given at school, now, not for very good reason than my own laziness, I suppose.
I also helped out with the entrance exam testing again this past Saturday, and I didn't proctor this time, I just herded children onto campus instead, which I thought was more interesting (and better, generally).
First of all, I was outside, and the weather was pretty good, as much as I can remember. Just sunny morning weather. I usually enjoy clouds (when they're not in their grey, shitty state that so many people seem to love for some Godknowswhy crazy-ass reason) but I specifically remember they were just too blurry. I like those really distinctly cumulus-lookin' clouds, and these clouds were kind of like that, I guess, but a little blurrier around the edges, which kind of bothered me. It almost looked like someone just unfocused my view of the sky, which is a dumb metaphor but I think it's also pretty apt. But anyway, these clouds were big teases. I just like seeing lots of shadows and whatnot on clouds.
But, anyway, my job was to stand on Grindley ushering students towards the gym while telling their parents that they were not allowed on campus, I'm not entirely sure why they weren't allowed on campus, but I was told to do so, so I did. I was pretty bad at it, I guess, muttering and all, but most parents got the point. Some parents were really nice, others were a bit more strange/passive aggressive (I'm talking to you, Bluetooth guy). I was behind the English building watching that side gate in our fence, so it was a pretty straight shot right to the gym, so lots of parents stood outside the fence and watched their kids walk there. It was weird, the parents seemed exponentially more worried than the kids, especially when I told them they couldn't accompany them to the gym. I guess it was mostly a "My little baby girl./boy's all grown-up" kind of thing. I understood. And I couldn't help but see bits and pieces of myself in a lot of the kids that came in to test and bits and pieces of my mom and dad in a lot of their parents. And I might have just been getting bored on the job, but I think I saw lots of doppelgangers of people from our grade, too. I started wondering what kind of filter the entrance exam serves as for the types of people it accepts. I thought it was weird how recently so much emphasis and value has been put into education, which is well-deserved, I guess, but it seems like, seeing how it's so valued, some reform should occur, or at least more money, I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to convey is the feeling I got watching parents say goodbye and wishing good luck to their children as if they'd never see them ever again, it was weird, I could almost hear the string orchestra in the back. Well, yes. Okay, just felt like putting off work somehow. I'm being to despise the work I'm given at school, now, not for very good reason than my own laziness, I suppose.
Saturday, March 6
So my house was almost completely empty for a week and a half, and before this glorious period ended, I assumed that people would come over and we'd have all sorts of fun at my house. Aside from a pitiful excuse of a study party with Alex and Afnan and a couple obligatory visits from Chris my empty house wasn't put to much good use. Not to say I don't enjoy being in the house by myself, but I've never really had it empty for such an extended period of time, and I would have loved to have had people over. It was a wasted opportunity and I guess it's my fault, assuming people would want to come over to my house in the first place.
Obviously it's difficult for me to view myself from an outside perspective. I can't know exactly what I sound like to you, or what I smell like to you, or what I look like to you.
How I think and how I react are the only ways I know how to think and react, and how I speak and how I joke and how I show dislike and how I show affection and how I show effort and how I show excitement are all the only ways I know how to do all of those things, too. Anyway, my cousins are over and now I must go and socialize and exhibit to them how maximally awkward their genes will allow them to be. I don't know, sometimes I feel like everyone got some sort of email or handbook and I didn't.
How I think and how I react are the only ways I know how to think and react, and how I speak and how I joke and how I show dislike and how I show affection and how I show effort and how I show excitement are all the only ways I know how to do all of those things, too. Anyway, my cousins are over and now I must go and socialize and exhibit to them how maximally awkward their genes will allow them to be. I don't know, sometimes I feel like everyone got some sort of email or handbook and I didn't.
Labels: i am dumb