backpack dreams

I'm not very religious, anymore, I guess, but seeing something like this makes me reevaluate why people continue to find religion. I'd go as far as to say, that at some point, I considered highly religious people (namely Christians) to be kind of naive. Nowadays, I realize that this was very, very wrong, although I'm not too sure how or why.
It's just comforting to see something so genuine, and I don't know whether to thank religion or some other human quality that religion has sort of labeled itself over all this time. If I could go back to believing, though, I would, but I know that's never going to happen, I'm pretty much positive of it.
But to be fair, when I believed in God, at the time, I was positive I'd stay that way, too.

On a sidenote, I think I may have some mild form of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but then again, what sense is there diagnosing yourself online? Maybe I'm just an anxious person. Plus, I'm not really debilitated by it or anything, it's just that all this time alone has made me realize how anxious of a person I can be.

Also, I was gonna retest for my license today but my brake light was out, so I couldn't. C'est la vie.

Obligatory YouTube music post:

(The video itself is kind of ridiculous, but have you ever wondered about all these weird collage-ish videos on YouTube? If you approach watching them as some sort of folk art, it becomes a little more interesting. Sure, most aren't very classy, but... well, I'm not sure where I'm going with this one.)
Kind of a weird song, maybe not something one would listen to everyday, but I've come to appreciate White Noise more and more the more I listen to them. Mostly cause they're so different; their style is distinct, and when you think about the fact that this came out in the sixties, it's crazy. Keep in mind this is considered 'electronic' music by some, but the sampling and all that was actually done by physically splicing and taping together audio tape by hand, that's amazing to me. This band is inspiring to me, for that reason (the guitarist's tone during the solo is really interesting, too), but okay, I think I might be nerding out. So goodbye.

(Wow, I'm really all over the place with this post.)

Labels: blabla, good morning, poop, ranting

I feel like what most of what I post up here is fairly predictable, but maybe not. I don't know, I just seem to whine a lot and post music videos. And what for?
I want to go back to school already because it means a routine, and it means at least the minimum levels of social interaction, certainly more than these past couple weeks.
But getting a college degree seems to imply a career plan, or life goals, aspirations. And I feel uneasy about that, and I feel pressure to get a job, from relatives, mostly. It's pretty stupid. I just want to be happy for my own sake.
I'm not sure what I want to do or who I want to be, and thinking about my life and my own being in any larger context, be it historical or familial or cultural or racial or anythingial, practically crushes me.
Because one day I'll wake up and I'll be an old dude, and my biggest fear is that I'll be unaccomplished (whatever that means), bitter, living out the rest of my meek life as a hopeless product of my time. Just be some sort of stepping stone for some other jerk, probably. And I'll probably still have this blog... well, if that ends up happening, I'll definitely continue complaining here.
Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe life should be approached more viscerally, too many thoughts, maybe I should just let go and experience. Stop categorizing and needlessly abstracting. But I can't pull myself out of my thoughts, I'm paralyzed, in a way. What good are these thoughts without some experience anyway? That's what I need, some world experience. Get my hands dirty. I need concrete context, I need to find some sort of foundation. And no more pensive behaviors or vehement blog posts for a while, maybe.

Labels: cannot sleep, much confusion, wah wah