TMI
Sunday, July 17I feel like what most of what I post up here is fairly predictable, but maybe not. I don't know, I just seem to whine a lot and post music videos. And what for?
I want to go back to school already because it means a routine, and it means at least the minimum levels of social interaction, certainly more than these past couple weeks.
But getting a college degree seems to imply a career plan, or life goals, aspirations. And I feel uneasy about that, and I feel pressure to get a job, from relatives, mostly. It's pretty stupid. I just want to be happy for my own sake.
I'm not sure what I want to do or who I want to be, and thinking about my life and my own being in any larger context, be it historical or familial or cultural or racial or anythingial, practically crushes me.
Because one day I'll wake up and I'll be an old dude, and my biggest fear is that I'll be unaccomplished (whatever that means), bitter, living out the rest of my meek life as a hopeless product of my time. Just be some sort of stepping stone for some other jerk, probably. And I'll probably still have this blog... well, if that ends up happening, I'll definitely continue complaining here.
Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe life should be approached more viscerally, too many thoughts, maybe I should just let go and experience. Stop categorizing and needlessly abstracting. But I can't pull myself out of my thoughts, I'm paralyzed, in a way. What good are these thoughts without some experience anyway? That's what I need, some world experience. Get my hands dirty. I need concrete context, I need to find some sort of foundation. And no more pensive behaviors or vehement blog posts for a while, maybe.
Labels: cannot sleep, much confusion, wah wah
