Today's special is a mean bean salad with garlic crueltaunts drizzled with a subtle balsamic and self-esteem reduction. It pairs nicely with whatever the fuck you are going to drink asshole
Saturday, December 27
I don't know why I act the way I do and react the way I do. I don't know why family makes me so wonky and terrified and nauseous and angry. I don't know why I like to complain so much, I think I complain more than I do anything else. I kinda wish I was Jewish, at least then I'd have a long, justified legacy (wrong word... uhhhhhhhhhhhh catalog? history? history fits) of complaining to fall back on. Asians aren't supposed to complain, I don't think. Nor celebrate Christmas.
My sister said I've become more angry over the years, at first that sounded badass to me and maybe Chris Evans-like (I just watched Snowpiercer) but after that very brief delusion I kinda settled onto identifying with the less masculine but more pointed anger of Paul Dano in Little Miss Sunshine then I quickly realized my anger isn't even anger... it's more like... a bitch fit. Like, a timestretched bitch fit over the last few years. If you YouTube "blablalbamusicianbieber timestretched down x1000" it all sounds like Sigur Ros. Jesus, what is an extended bitch fit, even. What the fuck is going on. Plus who the fuck thinks anger is cool anyway, why? Why? It's not cool, but the fact that I felt that way for even a second... is that self-centered? Like, what the hell would you call that? Anger definitely isn't the right word. I don't know. Anger seems to imply aggression. Does it? I can be very passive aggressive. Shirley, that counts. Then again, I don't even know what to call how I acted today.
Whoever might be reading this (stoned Future-Matthew), I know it gets tiresome to keep reading and rereading "Wah, why do I do this, why do I keep complaining on the internets pleasewhyamIdoingthisamIstilldoingitIthinkI'mstilldoingit" but I just have to acknowledge it, okay? If I weren't allowed to complain so much about how I complain so much then not very much complaining would be complained at all. I think I just have to accept that maybe this blog is... I don't know. Is this healthy?
I swear I haven't smoked any weed today, I just sipped about a 1/3 of a beer. This incoherence is straight outta Compton and also just out of tiredness. Also this blog just brings it out of me for some reason. Why am I so tired?
Actually, this is interesting and something actually worth documenting. This morning I just woke up thinking about the most terrible shit, like, the thoughts that usually run through my head right before I go to bed, right? I think the latter is fairly normal, or at least not uncommon, but today was the first time that I remember just waking up with shit thoughts. They were mostly the same shit thoughts I deal with normally, but oof, being semi-conscious then suddenly woken up by the thought of -----------------------dsaifksd;jl
is kinda terrible. How the hell did that happen?
Also, I kinda blew my own mind last night when I realized that I didn't really like, have parents for the vast majority of high school. I mean, I knew this, but I always kinda viewed the shallow form of independence I had under my grandparent's roof as a positive but obviously that shit like, retarded me in some way. And I am using that word in its PC form and not PC form at the same time, fuck you. Also fuck you, I'm not over complaining about and blaming my upbringing yet, it wasn't even that terrible but I will continue to complain and make you feel worse or better or the same or not sure if better or worse.
Man oh man. (By the way, I just accidentally typed "man on man" instead of "man oh man") And truthfully, I do feel a little fucked up now but I'm sure that's not a surprise. Why do I take the time to write so much useless bullshit in here yet I can't even take the timetosadfjlkpikl,
Why can't I be healthy? Why can't I want more to be healthy? Why do I seem to want things and people I only prove time and time again I don't want (I want)? I don't want.
I want!!! How come want doesn't rhyme with ant? Maybe that's my problem.
My sister said I've become more angry over the years, at first that sounded badass to me and maybe Chris Evans-like (I just watched Snowpiercer) but after that very brief delusion I kinda settled onto identifying with the less masculine but more pointed anger of Paul Dano in Little Miss Sunshine then I quickly realized my anger isn't even anger... it's more like... a bitch fit. Like, a timestretched bitch fit over the last few years. If you YouTube "blablalbamusicianbieber timestretched down x1000" it all sounds like Sigur Ros. Jesus, what is an extended bitch fit, even. What the fuck is going on. Plus who the fuck thinks anger is cool anyway, why? Why? It's not cool, but the fact that I felt that way for even a second... is that self-centered? Like, what the hell would you call that? Anger definitely isn't the right word. I don't know. Anger seems to imply aggression. Does it? I can be very passive aggressive. Shirley, that counts. Then again, I don't even know what to call how I acted today.
Whoever might be reading this (stoned Future-Matthew), I know it gets tiresome to keep reading and rereading "Wah, why do I do this, why do I keep complaining on the internets pleasewhyamIdoingthisamIstilldoingitIthinkI'mstilldoingit" but I just have to acknowledge it, okay? If I weren't allowed to complain so much about how I complain so much then not very much complaining would be complained at all. I think I just have to accept that maybe this blog is... I don't know. Is this healthy?
I swear I haven't smoked any weed today, I just sipped about a 1/3 of a beer. This incoherence is straight outta Compton and also just out of tiredness. Also this blog just brings it out of me for some reason. Why am I so tired?
Actually, this is interesting and something actually worth documenting. This morning I just woke up thinking about the most terrible shit, like, the thoughts that usually run through my head right before I go to bed, right? I think the latter is fairly normal, or at least not uncommon, but today was the first time that I remember just waking up with shit thoughts. They were mostly the same shit thoughts I deal with normally, but oof, being semi-conscious then suddenly woken up by the thought of -----------------------dsaifksd;jl
is kinda terrible. How the hell did that happen?
Also, I kinda blew my own mind last night when I realized that I didn't really like, have parents for the vast majority of high school. I mean, I knew this, but I always kinda viewed the shallow form of independence I had under my grandparent's roof as a positive but obviously that shit like, retarded me in some way. And I am using that word in its PC form and not PC form at the same time, fuck you. Also fuck you, I'm not over complaining about and blaming my upbringing yet, it wasn't even that terrible but I will continue to complain and make you feel worse or better or the same or not sure if better or worse.
Man oh man. (By the way, I just accidentally typed "man on man" instead of "man oh man") And truthfully, I do feel a little fucked up now but I'm sure that's not a surprise. Why do I take the time to write so much useless bullshit in here yet I can't even take the timetosadfjlkpikl,
Why can't I be healthy? Why can't I want more to be healthy? Why do I seem to want things and people I only prove time and time again I don't want (I want)? I don't want.
I want!!! How come want doesn't rhyme with ant? Maybe that's my problem.
