I like using my scanner, it allows me to scan things.
I have lots of food at my house now, come over, we could put on some Zeppelin, eat some Cheddar cheese.
And the last part is some sort of reference, pretty obscure, too.
I really wanted to finish the drawing of the third head, the one without the lips, I just couldn't really figure out how. Plus head shape/lips is where I usually screw it up anyway, relatively speaking.
I was really sleep-deprived yesterday.
Anyway, my dream last night was weird as hell. I was flying, I saw Mr. Williams at some ice rink, I crawled through and air vent to the German countryside, got chased by a very reluctant dog, tried to get the dog run over (unsuccesfully), and met Sarah Silverman and Elijah Wood, and there was a third but I don't remember.
Thursday, February 18
My dad emailed me, I had to email him about some financial aid things earlier, so he responded.
It seems like his English is getting worse, even though it might be unfair to judge from an email. But it is a little unexpected considering his job in Korea is to teach children English, and I can't help but imagine the worst when I see such sloppy emails. And it feels so weird typing something like "I love you" in an email, I don't think I'll ever get used to that.
Anyway, I was in a really weird mood today, I can't really explain. I don't know what I want from people, or maybe I don't know what they want from me, or more likely a little bit of both, I don't know.
I had this weird anxious feeling that would just randomly reveal itself in spurts, and then I'd have to slowly get distracted for it to leave my mind. But tonight I hugged someone, it doesn't really matter who it was, because I hadn't really hugged anyone in an incredibly long time, it could've been anyone, really, and it made me feel, I don't want to say better, but less weird.
Choir has always been something that I've genuinely enjoyed, for the most part, and considering the rest of who I am, I think it's weird that I enjoy something like choir, and ASB, too. I don't know, if I didn't know me, and then met me, I wouldn't think that I would enjoy things like that, but I do. But I still do get a sense that I probably don't pull off most of these things like a "natural."
It seems pointless to write in a blog the way I do, to devote so much effort into something that will simply become a wall of text, but I guess I'll settle for it, and I enjoy it, too. Well, it's mixed. It's something to do, I'm writing, I guess, but I often feel worse after writing than I do before. But anyway, if I could be half as open as I am with this blog (not saying that this blog is like, all encompassing of who I am, or anything silly like that, but still) with anybody at all, actually, I don't even know if I can do that. It'd be too awkward for me to "vent" (I don't really like this use of the word) out to someone like the way I do on the blog, and how do you start that kind of conversation anyway? I don't know if anyone sees me in three dimensions, and it makes me feel as if I don't deserve it.
Today Mr. Hogan said "Take five," and the band members began to play the impromptu version of "Take Five," the song by Dave Brubeck, and they all chuckled to themselves and had a little moment, and I really wanted to be in that moment..I don't know, I felt as if the band was like "Hoh, stupid teenagers don't know REAL music, we are so cool," when in reality they probably didn't think much of connecting the reference, and I don't even like Dave Brubeck that much anyway. I don't know, maybe I was just bored during rehearsal today or something. I felt pathetic after imagining myself going up to the band and telling them I knew the song they were playing. Dave Brubeck is not even that obscure, duk duk duk.
Duk. Hello world, I don't feel tip-top tonight.
Sunday, February 14
Said something dumb during dinner with my mom and sister, or not dumb, but I wasn't really able to express myself very well, and they both gave each other the weirdest looks. As if I'd just jumped on the table and farted in their drinks or something. I don't know.
I remember that I SPECIFICALLY wanted to write about something that happened today, but I can't even remember now.
I feel like I need a better outlet than this stupid blog. Sometimes I just have all this pent up something that needs to get out, I can't really describe it. I feel like I want to scream out at the top of my lungs, but I already know that that still wouldn't be enough. I don't know where this comes from.
This morning in the shower I wondered what it would be like if I just got sucked down the drain. Swloop would be the sound I would make, or at least I think so. The thought of being sucked down the shower drain like that was somehow kind of exciting, I think I'm mad.
I think I tend to think that I'm a lot more withdrawn from people than I think I am, but then comes the problem of trying to figure out why I think that? Attention whore? Idiot?
This blog is just a cesspool for negative energy and thoughts, enjoy it!
I am not going to finish the portion of "The Grapes of Wrath" I was supposed to by tomorrow, but I really enjoy it so far so I'm not going to defile it by reading any sort of summary.
I hope I do not get called on, and I hope nothing gets spoiled for me tomorrow during discussion.
Today I've been spontaneously spurting out things I didn't really mean to share.
They weren't things particularly incriminating, just a little awkward to say in conversation.
What's going on?!
Stupid hormones, I hate them. Almost make me want to castrate myself! But not!
But if I had to, I think I'd use the microwave.
Monday, February 8
I downloaded this Sonic Youth album a couple years ago, but I guess the download was missing a couple of tracks because I re-downloaded it and the same album now magically has two brand new tracks.
I didn't really like either of them.
What a surprising disappointment!
My grandma and grandpa regularly pray and read the Bible together, and every once in a while, they sing!
It's pretty frightening, and it's actually what woke me up from my nap today.
It seems as though afternoons at home are getting more and more depressing lately, I don't know why.
Maybe it's because I cut my hair.
Maybe I am like SaMsOn!!!!!!!!1231
I can't seem to really relate to many people that I know, at least not in the way that I want to.
This card was tucked inside the cover of a copy of the Book of Mormon at the Swap Meet. There was also a gift certificate for 1 pound of See's chocolate, so I bought the Bible for $1 and kept both. I'm a bastard.
Paul McCartney has finally been able to shush this humongous, blubbering, melodramatic, pseudo-misanthropic, fatass teenager, for now (mostly).
I just read that Obama's budget plan cut funding for NASA's moon program, i.e. plans to get back on the moon.
That depressed the shit out of me, and I really have no idea why.
I've always held on to the illogical hope that I'd one day be able to walk on the moon.
And I probably never would. Really, there'd only be something like about a .0000000000000000001% chance of that even happening, assuming I'm even smart enough. But now it is impossible, and it'll never ever happen.
I wasn't feeling very good when I got home this afternoon, but I just had the excellent idea to go biking tomorrow morning. (!)
I think I've done it before, but I remember it not being a great success.
Okay! This is really going to happen, if I can wake up on time.
Why am I telling this to you, blog*?
Who else would I tell?! No one, that's who!
Biking, blogging! All the b's in my life make it okay.
(excluding blowing!)
Okay, not really, just those two b's.
So I am very excited for this, although I'm not sure if I'll be able to force myself to finish this homework assignment before it gets too late. I'm in a very strange mood right now.
It's weird. Usually I can kind of relax myself by listening to music, but I can't really find the right artist to listen to right now. Chris Bell is coming kind of close, not really, though.
Hm, nevermind. No one's really doing it for me right now. I don't know, everyone just sounds too cheesy or pretentious or something today, I'll probably get over it.
Anyway, biking tomorrow. It will happen, maybe. I might just fail miserably and just end up going to 5th Avenue or something. Gosh, well, that can't happen.
And I know no one really likes reading this kind of garbage so I'm sorry.
*anonymous peoples who read this here collection of postings
