I should've come up with a title earlier when I was less tired but now I've finished the post and I'm too tired to think of a good one and I actually just want to sleep now.
Monday, August 15
I took some melatonin about 4 or 5 hours ago so I could sleep earlier tonight, but it didn't really seem to work this time. Although I'm pretty, well, tired, I guess, I don't exactly feel like going to be yet, so now I'm just updating my blog (You know, I really hate the word "blog") mostly because it is something to do. So consider this a disclaimer! Poorly expressed, inconsistent, and stupid feelings below!
I've had a lot of free time this summer so, in addition to all the TV, reddit, guitar practice, misc. video games, and occasional social interaction, I've been thinking.
Thinking! About life, and goals, and progress, and careers, and the future, in general, I guess. But now that I actually typed it out, heck, I'm not thinking very generally about the future at all. That's my problem, my thoughts are too specific. Well, now that I type that one out, are they? Maybe they should be more specific! Okay, so now I'm sure its obvious I'm fairly sleepy and delirious at this point, so you'll excuse me if I don't finish or clarify my point (my tired state also explains my weak-willed return to the site). So hold that thought.
But something in particular that I can't stop thinking about is age, I don't feel my age. I'm not sure what age I do actually feel like, but 18 doesn't feel right. I can't figure out if I need to catch up to my age, or if my age needs to catch up to me, I think, for the most part, it's the former, maybe? I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now.
I think I'm mostly afraid of how fast time passes by, and that one day the feeling of having a world of opportunity, the feeling of having an entire life ahead of myself, the opportunity of youth! will be gone, and I'd wasted it.
Well, I guess I'm wasting it right now. I think that's a fair assertion. Hunched over my laptop late at night, really, most likely nothing will come out of this jumbled, wishy washy, unsurprisingly-angst-ridden blog post, but hey, it's something to do for the moment, and I'm finally starting to feel tired.
So yeah carpe diem, youth is wasted on the young, etc. etc.. I'm pretty sure I believe in those sorts of ideas, yet I can't seem to put them into practice. Perhaps I'm just lazy.
Mmm mmm mmm, nothing like a good ole' fashioned, late night, electronic journal bean-spillin', am I right or am I right?
Quite frankly, if I could keep writing I would but I fear that it would only result in more typos and confusion than anything else.
But before I finally finish up, another blog post means another opportunity for me to pretentiously push my music upon you readers (all 3 of you)!!! This one is a Kinks cover by another one of my favorite bands, Wye Oak. Shit starts going down around 1:10 or so, don't bust my balls if I'm a few seconds off, okay?
Alright, in light of that "bust my balls" comment, it seems like I'm starting to get belligerent, perhaps now is the time to stop.
PS I think I need to start approaching this whole blog thing from a new angle, you know, instead of the whole "Euughhh... I am very confused and scared about the future, derpy derpy darpa doop" angle. Maybe start anew on tumblr? But shit, what difference does it make?
PPS I think it'd be interesting (for my next post) to re-read and write about this post from a more rested perspective. Although, this idea is coming to me at 4:13 in the morning, so we shall see what well-rested Matt thinks of this when he sees it.
I've had a lot of free time this summer so, in addition to all the TV, reddit, guitar practice, misc. video games, and occasional social interaction, I've been thinking.
Thinking! About life, and goals, and progress, and careers, and the future, in general, I guess. But now that I actually typed it out, heck, I'm not thinking very generally about the future at all. That's my problem, my thoughts are too specific. Well, now that I type that one out, are they? Maybe they should be more specific! Okay, so now I'm sure its obvious I'm fairly sleepy and delirious at this point, so you'll excuse me if I don't finish or clarify my point (my tired state also explains my weak-willed return to the site). So hold that thought.
But something in particular that I can't stop thinking about is age, I don't feel my age. I'm not sure what age I do actually feel like, but 18 doesn't feel right. I can't figure out if I need to catch up to my age, or if my age needs to catch up to me, I think, for the most part, it's the former, maybe? I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now.
I think I'm mostly afraid of how fast time passes by, and that one day the feeling of having a world of opportunity, the feeling of having an entire life ahead of myself, the opportunity of youth! will be gone, and I'd wasted it.
Well, I guess I'm wasting it right now. I think that's a fair assertion. Hunched over my laptop late at night, really, most likely nothing will come out of this jumbled, wishy washy, unsurprisingly-angst-ridden blog post, but hey, it's something to do for the moment, and I'm finally starting to feel tired.
So yeah carpe diem, youth is wasted on the young, etc. etc.. I'm pretty sure I believe in those sorts of ideas, yet I can't seem to put them into practice. Perhaps I'm just lazy.
Mmm mmm mmm, nothing like a good ole' fashioned, late night, electronic journal bean-spillin', am I right or am I right?
Quite frankly, if I could keep writing I would but I fear that it would only result in more typos and confusion than anything else.
But before I finally finish up, another blog post means another opportunity for me to pretentiously push my music upon you readers (all 3 of you)!!! This one is a Kinks cover by another one of my favorite bands, Wye Oak. Shit starts going down around 1:10 or so, don't bust my balls if I'm a few seconds off, okay?
Alright, in light of that "bust my balls" comment, it seems like I'm starting to get belligerent, perhaps now is the time to stop.
PS I think I need to start approaching this whole blog thing from a new angle, you know, instead of the whole "Euughhh... I am very confused and scared about the future, derpy derpy darpa doop" angle. Maybe start anew on tumblr? But shit, what difference does it make?
PPS I think it'd be interesting (for my next post) to re-read and write about this post from a more rested perspective. Although, this idea is coming to me at 4:13 in the morning, so we shall see what well-rested Matt thinks of this when he sees it.
Labels: 4:01AM, angsty, kinks, meaningless tags, nothing new, rant, tired, wall of text, wye oak
