backpack dreams

I took some melatonin about 4 or 5 hours ago so I could sleep earlier tonight, but it didn't really seem to work this time. Although I'm pretty, well, tired, I guess, I don't exactly feel like going to be yet, so  now I'm just updating my blog (You know, I really hate the word "blog") mostly because it is something to do. So consider this a disclaimer! Poorly expressed, inconsistent, and stupid feelings below!

I've had a lot of free time this summer so, in addition to all the TV, reddit, guitar practice, misc. video games, and occasional social interaction, I've been thinking.
Thinking! About life, and goals, and progress, and careers, and the future, in general, I guess. But now that I actually typed it out, heck, I'm not thinking very generally about the future at all. That's my problem, my thoughts are too specific. Well, now that I type that one out, are they? Maybe they should be more specific! Okay, so now I'm sure its obvious I'm fairly sleepy and delirious at this point, so you'll excuse me if I don't finish or clarify my point (my tired state also explains my weak-willed return to the site). So hold that thought.
But something in particular that I can't stop thinking about is age, I don't feel my age. I'm not sure what age I do actually feel like, but 18 doesn't feel right. I can't figure out if I need to catch up to my age, or if my age needs to catch up to me, I think, for the most part, it's the former, maybe? I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now.
I think I'm mostly afraid of how fast time passes by, and that one day the feeling of having a world of opportunity, the feeling of having an entire life ahead of myself, the opportunity of youth! will be gone, and I'd wasted it.
Well, I guess I'm wasting it right now. I think that's a fair assertion. Hunched over my laptop late at night, really, most likely nothing will come out of this jumbled, wishy washy, unsurprisingly-angst-ridden blog post, but hey, it's something to do for the moment, and I'm finally starting to feel tired.
So yeah carpe diem, youth is wasted on the young, etc. etc.. I'm pretty sure I believe in those sorts of ideas, yet I can't seem to put them into practice. Perhaps I'm just lazy.

Mmm mmm mmm, nothing like a good ole' fashioned, late night, electronic journal bean-spillin', am I right or am I right?

Quite frankly, if I could keep writing I would but I fear that it would only result in more typos and confusion than anything else.

But before I finally finish up, another blog post means another opportunity for me to pretentiously push my music upon you readers (all 3 of you)!!! This one is a Kinks cover by another one of my favorite bands, Wye Oak. Shit starts going down around 1:10 or so, don't bust my balls if I'm a few seconds off, okay?

Alright, in light of that "bust my balls" comment, it seems like I'm starting to get belligerent, perhaps now is the time to stop.

PS I think I need to start approaching this whole blog thing from a new angle, you know, instead of the whole "Euughhh... I am very confused and scared about the future, derpy derpy darpa doop" angle. Maybe start anew on tumblr? But shit, what difference does it make?

PPS I think it'd be interesting (for my next post) to re-read and write about this post from a more rested perspective. Although, this idea is coming to me at 4:13 in the morning, so we shall see what well-rested Matt thinks of this when he sees it.

Labels: 4:01AM, angsty, kinks, meaningless tags, nothing new, rant, tired, wall of text, wye oak

I woke up about 10 minutes ago from this really satisfying dream about school, only to realize I still haven't started my Physics homework (or finished any of my college things, for that matter [or even started any of my math homework, for the matter of that matter]).
My dream was weird, needless to say. It involved Mrs. Miner, I'll give you that much.

I realized there was a meteor shower so I got really excited and went outside to look, but my neck started hurting, and I couldn't spot any, so I came back. I did see more stars than I had seen in a while though. I saw the Big Dipper, I think, and various other constellations the names of which I've long forgotten.
And at first I was kind of sad I didn't get to see any meteors (although I'm almost positive I just wasn't looking hard enough), but the cold helped me get over it quickly.
And this came later, but I also took comfort in the fact that these meteors would "shower" whether I watch them or not, or whether anyone watches them, really. And that there have been meteors whirling (somewhere) through space every single Earth night (and Earth day) of my life (and at an exactly constant velocity! isn't that weird?). And how at this very moment, there are black holes sucking and super massive volcanoes blowing and suns dying and planets colliding and whatever other epic shit happens in space, happening!
Even the constellations are enough for me, they're always there, and they'll always  be there, whether you look up or you don't (well, until they die, I guess).
And even after us humans become extinct (It'll happen!), the sun will continue to rise and set, with or without us (or DST).

And then I could go on to describe all the things in nature that would continue blah blah blah blah blah blah roosters crowing flowers opening and closing california wildfires waves tsunamis snowstorms blizzards bear attacks earthquakes giant squid battle royales

humans are tiny

Labels: "a controversy of poets", biding my time, cold fingers, leonid meteor shower, only one use of italics, rant, sorry sagan